How I Won the Depression War Against My Self

Hey there, lovely souls!

I want to share with you some background on my depression and how I won the depression war against my self. You may be skeptical that someone can overcome depression, but I’m a living example (and certainly not the ONLY one) that it can be done! {Note: I hope none of this is triggering and I hope my family understands that these stories NEED to be shared in order to provide healing.}

I’ll freely admit that it wasn’t easy.

I have no problem saying that I lost battles along the way.

I won’t deny that it was hell while it lasted.

But — big BUT — with lots of hard work, soul searching, becoming honest with myself, connecting my Soul with the spiritual realms, and using alternative healing methods, I came to a day in my life where my long bouts with depression were G-O-N-E. Not lingering around like a beast waiting to strike. Not hiding out in some corner of my mind. But, really, truly GONE.

How did I do this?

First off, the penultimate solution was a dream I had one night. The final solution was ending the war against my Self.

But before we get to that, let’s travel back in time to when it all started.

I was around 16 years old when I first recall starting to have unexplained sadness and generally feeling down. That went on for years and years, without me even knowing what was wrong, but knowing deep inside that there was definitely something wrong. My life was generally sucky and I was making crap decisions about men, school, and work.

Mid-20s I married and had my daughter. We relocated from the area I grew up in to the cold North (by this time I’d also had my son) and things just went downhill from there. I had my first breakdown and ended up in a hospital behind locked doors with other women who were having mental health issues. I just couldn’t take the pain anymore and had been having suicidal thoughts. There is where I first learned that I was depressed. I was like “what the hell?”!! Of course, my mother felt I should have been strong enough to deal with it myself. *groan* My ex called and said he wanted a divorce. *Really?* Trust me, that was a shitty time to be me!

the maskSo, now I end up divorced and living with my mother and her new husband down in Texas. I’m on anti-depressants, know no one, my kids stayed with their father, I have no job, and I’m still feeling totally depressed. I get a job and do some counseling, but not much truly changed. Under the mask of looking “normal” I was still suffering from depression and beginning to feel suicidal.

Enter second breakdown. Another hospital stay, More meds. More counseling. Move forwards in a haze of crappy dealing with life and learning about depression from books and trying to enjoy my kids when they visit. My stepfather dies in 1993 and all sorts of family members and things fall apart. [some bright lights during this time were: learning to meditate from my counselor, discovering the music of Dr. Jeffery Thompson, and becoming a student of A Course in Miracles (ACIM)]

I move to Florida with a sibling—that doesn’t turn out so well, so I end up moving back to Texas to live with my Mom.

Its important for you to know that I began to drink more after my divorce. Other family members were also drinking. Mix that with depression and my Dad’s death and life is NOT pretty—no matter what it may look like on the surface! Also, there are other details that I will keep private.

This is when I had a mega deep spiritual experience while I was dreaming. I’ll address this in a future blog post. It was when I received complete forgiveness and love.

Anyhow, despite my awesome spiritual experience, I’m still drinking, working, trying to find ways to heal (not even realizing I had already been healed). I did a lot of trying out different spiritual paths. I was still reading self-help books, studying ACIM. The black hole was still pulling at me and I felt myself sliding back down into that darkness.

Is it a surprise? The Battle Rages On!

Third breakdown.

Choice!

Back to a psych place. This time I’m so totally OVER IT that I’m bound and determined to never be in a place like that again! I get out and again attempt to get over the damned depression.

Then I met a man and moved to Florida again to be with him. Life wasn’t too bad and I was starting to feel a bit better, though I drank when he wasn’t around and felt guilty from hiding it. After a couple of years he got sick and within a span of about two months he passed away from cancer. I move back in with my Mom, and cry and mourn, and drink (pattern there, eh?).

Now what?

I go through the grief process, I go see my old counselor and quit drinking that day. I start going to AA meetings. I’m actually succeeding with the no drinking…which clears the fog, eases the sorrow, and allows me to really start breaking away from depression. I take better care of myself, get back to the external world by taking a part-time job, and do lots of reflection and super deep soul-searching.

I meet my new husband and fall in love. We live together, marry, get a new job, enjoy a great life together, and that’s where I am today. No depression. No blackness. No darkness. No funk. No alcohol. No meds. No war. I’ll say it again: No Depression!

What did I learn after that third breakdown?

  • I wasn’t sick: I’d already been healed by the dream!
  • I wasn’t helpless: I could make healthy choices and accept myself wholly
  • I wasn’t powerless: I could control my emotions and my thoughts
  • I wasn’t alone: God/Spirit/The Divine was always with me, and She always had been
  • I wasn’t unloved: I loved myself and had family and friends who loved me
  • I wasn’t at war anymore: There was never ANY NEED to war with myself over the state of my heart and soul; all of the internal battles were so unnecessary
  • I wasn’t depressed: Sadness, sorrow, and loss are part of all life; a moment of sadness didn’t mean I was going to fall apart
  • I wasn’t abnormal: All of humanity deals with life’s good time and bad times
  • I wasn’t a loser: I’m a rather awesome person and I think I’m pretty damn cool!

And there it is! Not pretty, but honest. Not hidden, but open. That’s my depression story and how I ended the war against my Self.

DaphneThese days I’m doing things I enjoy to keep myself mentally and emotionally well: meditation, crafting, journaling, reading tarot cards or uplifting books, napping, watching a movie, hanging outside with my dog, learning about essential oils, doing business projects, going out into nature, or running around with my husband. I’m actually mostly content and at peace (I’d say the only “discontent” in my life is that I’m not currently able to work at home full time). Other than that all is well.

I love who I have become and how my life has turned out.

I trust 100% that the depression will never return. I know for sure that I will never let it! And I know the Divine has my back!

My hope is that you’ll take away a nugget of wisdom or hope from what I’ve shared. My hope is that you, too, can find healing. My hope is that you’ll realize just how awesome you are. Depression doesn’t have to rule your life! It takes some time to kick it to the curb, but it can be done. I’ll be writing more on depression and methods for coping with it. So, please stay tuned.

Wishing you peace and joy and love,

Daphne

 

 

 

p.s. I am not a doctor or psychologist! Please consult with your doctor if you need attention: medical, mental or otherwise. This page is for educational and informational purposes only and may not be construed as medical advice. The information is not intended to replace medical advice offered by physicians. Got it? Good! Thanks!

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